Hi. If you're stalking me, please tell me...
Because I don't know what inaccurate information you're relaying to the masses.

The class of 09 graduated on Tuesday.
They were all so excited that... it was actually kind of annoying.
All over Facebook, everywhere I went, everyone I talked to.
I guess that's an exciting thing. I don't know. I don't really remember, for some reason.
I also didn't really care.

I just remember people asking me if I was excited to graduate.
I wasn't.
Like I said, I didn't really care.

I figured I had another 8 years of harder schooling ahead of me. Why would I be glad to be done with something so easy? What have I to look forward to?
Some people were excited to go to dorms and be away from parents and just party all the time - that wasn't me at all.
I think most people were just excited for senior week - which seems to currently be the case. I'm sure that was great. But I wasn't about to go somewhere with a bunch of 18 year olds and pretend that getting drunk and smashed was fun.

There was just nothing exciting about graduation for me... except the video. I really only liked making the video and writing the speech, lol. I don't mind public speaking and I really didn't want graduation to be boring as fuck. So I decided I'd write the speech for a part of our theme... and make it funny at that. Which I did. Because everywhere I went, people I didn't know, were telling me it was funny and most memorable. A lot of people told me they didn't remember anyone else's speech. And out of their own accord, people told me that this year's graduation speeches were nothing compared to last year.
I know Roman tried to make his amusing; something about a "graduated cylinder"... which is funny... if you remember anything from geometry (which most people don't).


I'm just really jealous of all the seniors and all the people who were excited.
I wish I was excited at that time. Maybe I was depressed and didn't know it, or something. Because, looking back, everything sucked.
And it still sucks.
And I don't know how to fix it.

I really just hate all of this.
I used to be so much happier.
I wish I took opportunities and wasn't scared of the answer my parents would give me. Which was always no. But now that they're always quarreling and that I've finally gotten to college, they realised they can't shelter us anymore. Thus my younger siblings get so much leniency.

Farrah is going to Texas June 30th. Had I asked to do that when I was her age, I wouldn't have been allowed.
She went on so many trips this year.
You know how many I've been on this year? Oh yeah, none.
Ali went to the Governors Honors Academy last year. I remember asking to apply to that my sophomore year. I know I could've gotten in if I had tried. Guess what the answer was. The only reason he got to go that year was because Farrah and I made SUCH a big deal about it.
He also goes every month to those soccer camps at Rio.

I would have went to Chicago for CHOMUN, except it was a matter of money, chemistry, and my apprehension.
Same with the AXE ski trip. That was actually just a matter of chemistry. I wanted to spend that weekend studying for a test I had Monday.
But you know what, this year isn't going to be like that. This year, I'm going to do something.

In December, I -will- go somewhere.
I -will- do something.
I don't know what, but I'm saving up for it. Starting now.
I -will- go to at least one MUN conference.
Any trip that AXE plans, I -will- go on it.
I want to go overseas somewhere. But I think I'd rather do that with a volunteer services place over the summer to at least make it a useful trip. Or maybe I'd go visit some friends. Maybe that's what I'll do in December. Maybe I'll go to Germany or England.
I don't know if I'm welcome to England, anymore. But, fuck it. I'll fucking find Harry Potter and he'll chill with me.

It's really frustrating for me to try to change for the better -  to get along better with my friends, my family and the general population - but no one else wants to change for anyone else.

People always tell you that you're not supposed to change. That you're supposed to "stay yourself".
What kind of advice is that?
How are you supposed to get along with people if you're not willing to change?

I'm not saying to start wearing black lipstick, black clothes, powder your face, and wear thigh-high combat boots. That's not a change for the better.
I'm not saying change for acceptance. I'm saying change for better relationships.
Change so that the people who already accept you will have a better time with you.
That's the kind of change every should aim for.

Maybe this is another curse, as result of my empathy. How many other people really think/care about shit like this?
It sure seems like none.
It seems like I try to consider everyone else's feelings.
I can sense when someone is on the verge of getting upset.
At that point I anticipate what they will do. I try to put myself in their shoes. If I know them well enough, I try to think like them and try to consider what they are feeling.
At that point, I can avoid so many quarrels. I can avoid upset feelings. If I can stop what is hurting someone, I'm going to.

I have this ridiculous idea that everyone around me can be happy at the same time. I'm not saying all the time, because that's never going to happen; apparently, according to my health book, most people are in a bad mood at least 3/4 of 10 days. So, you know, it happens.

Whatever.



On another note, I hate it when people aren't treated like I'd like to be treated. Only at that point will I treat someone like I wouldn't like to be treated.
If someone I know is getting shat on, I'm going to say something. There's no need for that.
But I guess that's where it comes in. I don't know the whole story. I never will.

Dammit, I just want everyone to be happy.
I want everyone to consider each other so that we can at least be happy 7 of 10 days.
I just feel like so many things are preventable.

Not avoidable, but preventable.
See that? Optimistic word usage.



And World of Warcraft won't go past 10% on this patch download.
It's angering me.


Today is the high school graduation. I'd go. This is the class I'm mostly friends with. But I feel like I need to let go, already.
I have work anyway. 1-5 PM. It takes me til 6 PM to get home with rush hour. Graduation starts at 7 PM. I guess I could still go, anyway. The beginning of it is pretty lame, anyway.
But I have to write a thesis, outline, introduction, and 1st body paragraph for Paper II.
It's a definition paper. I'm defining home.
I don't even know what home is.

I don't know what I was thinking picking that to define.
Everything else seemed stupid.

I've always had this stupid problem. And it is, in fact, stupid.
Where the fuck is home?
I have my house. Here I am.
I have a feeling when I move to college next year, this won't be my home anymore. It just won't feel like it with all that's going on. I don't know what will happen in the time that I'm away. But, somehow, it'll affect how much I feel at home here.
I suppose I'll always feel at home with my family, in general. I mean, I somehow manage to go to Egypt and feel at home, even though I couldn't get around Cairo alone... ever. I don't really have a house there. We have places to stay. They might be in our name, but I don't feel like it's mine. Just like I don't feel like the farm is really ours. We have shit there, we have our pictures there, but without my family and friends there, it doesn't feel  like home.

I think I figured it out. I know why no where feels home anymore.
It's really just because of my parents.
The farm felt like home when we all went up there and, at least, were pseudo-happy. I guess it's better not to lie to ourselves, though.
I don't feel home here because of my parents. I walk in and I'm like, "Wow, why is this house so miserable?"
What makes my parents happy here, doesn't make me happy. They're happy when the other isn't around in the house. But you know what, that's what made me fucking feel at home.
So once they separate for good, I think I'm going to be essentially "homeless".
I'll still have my siblings, I guess. And Egypt/Lebanon.
I don't know how, but I always feel like that's where I should be. Dad laughs at the thought. He doesn't think I could survive in Egypt. I don't know. Maybe I can't. Maybe I've lived the pampered, American life or something. It sucks about all the blatant poverty there, but otherwise, I think I could function.

It's just like... the language, the food, the thoughts, the way people act. There are some ways they act that I just can't grasp, sometimes. But, here, there is no -necessity- to go to someone's house and have a cup of coffee. Like, it's not that big of an ordeal as it seems to be over there. If we went to Egypt, and forgot to stop by someone's house and have coffee or tea, they'd probably be very upset at us.
(Needless to say, when I go to Egypt, I think I get a 2-week long Iron deficiency from all the tea I have to politely drink.)
I like it, though. It's familiar to me. I know more about the social aspect of the Arab world than I do about the American world. I know my friends.... and that's it. Maybe that's how it is with all the other social situations, but I've just never had to deal with it.
Then there's the language. I'm not great at Arabic, but I feel at ease when we're speaking Arabic, as opposed to English. Even here. I can't answer the phone and talk to my mom in English. That'd just be weird.
My dad speaks in English all the time because my littlest sister likes to pretend she doesn't understand to get out of things. Also, when he answers the phone, it's either a nurse or patient or something. Straight English there. I don't know why he talks to me in English all the time. Sometimes I think he may have just gotten more used to English than Arabic, because he'd randomly bust out English, in Egypt, too. I don't know. I yell at him to talk to me in Arabic. I hate being spoken to in English if I can be spoken to in Arabic.
The exception is obviously people who don't know Arabic, and my siblings. But with my siblings, we can speak "Arab-English". Where we substitute random words for Arabic in a predominantly English conversation, and vice versa.

I don't know.
There are so many aspects to home... but I can't transfer them to paper. It's just not coming to me. I did a free-write. That didn't really help.

I just want this patch to download so I can play a little, now. Go to work. Then come back and finish my paper homework. (Then play some more. ;] )